Dazzling Knowledge

Monday, June 26, 2006

Here's an offering trying to explain those darn whacky Christians to the always confused and terrified secularists.

My favorite entries:

The Bible
The Bible was written by God as a merchandising tie-in to His blockbuster film "The Ten Commandments." Each book of the Bible is named after a person who features prominently in it, for example, the Book of Numbers, which is named after Herschel Numbers, who invented numerals. The Bible was so successful that God wrote a sequel, "Bible II: On to Rome," now generally called "The New Testament." Protestants believe the Bible is literal and exactly true in every detail except the description of the Eucharist, while Catholics are not allowed to read the Bible.

Catholics are the New York Yankees of Christianity. They are the biggest and wealthiest team, and their owner is intensely controversial (this makes St. Francis of Assisi the Derek Jeter of Catholicism: discuss). Catholics all wear matching uniforms, and are divided into "parishes," or "squadrons," to make choosing softball teams easier. Catholics are rigidly controlled by a hidebound hierarchy that starts with priests and ends with priests' housekeepers. Catholics are not allowed to read the Bible, eat meat, or refrain from worshipping statues.


Blogger Gween said...


11:44 AM  
Blogger Gween said...


11:45 AM  
Blogger Gween said...


11:45 AM  
Blogger Chamomiles Davis said...

As an agnostic (secularist?) I'm neither confused nor terrified. Quite the contrary; I'm apathetic and often sleepy. (Get your facts straight, you wacky Christian!)

Jesus is magic.

8:59 AM  

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