Random Thoughts, Volume I

• Say it with me and you'll feel better: "Frothy poo."
• I've got to hand it to guys who own hybrid automobiles; it takes a tremendous amount of confidence in one's sexuality to drive a car that screams, "Look at this giant homo."
• You know who told the all-time best version of "The Aristocrats" joke? John Wayne Gacy.
• One of the most painful experiences in my life involved a Rottweiler and my dick. I asked him to suck it and he said, "No, because I don't find you attractive."
• Hey! What time is it when your best friend snorts what he thinks is cocaine, but is actually Drano? Time to get a new best friend!
• Which emoticon do I use to represent the soul-crushing futility of existence in a godless universe? Is it the squiggly line or the lower-case “q”?
• “Remember, Chamomiles -- the handle of the Big Dipper always points directly to the North Star.” That’s what my camp counselor said just before he raped me. But damn it if he wasn’t right.
• My newest marketing idea? Try this on for size: Unconsecrated holy wafers, sold in Pringles-shaped canisters labeled, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus!”
• So, when is the appropriate time to hit on a dead man’s wife, anyway? After the funeral? During the autopsy? Just before he flatlines? Where’s Miss Manners when you need her?
• If you can’t tell when too much is enough, then brother, you have no business beating up prostitutes.
• I’ve heard it said that reading the Bible builds character. But I say rehab does, too.
• Here’s a tip: if you eat a hot slice of pizza that burns the roof of your mouth, cauterize the wound by eating an even hotter slice of pizza. It’s a trick my great-grandmother brought with her from the old country. That, and a severe case of TB.

Look for more pearl necklaces of wisdom soon!